Spider System

 I promised. 

I lied. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm tired. 

Nothing matters. 

I don't know when I'll see you again, but I'm more alive than I'll ever be...

 Good news (???): It's nothing life threatening/chronic

Bad news: I'm still dehydrated. And it was SO BAD before I got it checked it out that my meds were actually backtracking as though they were new meds and giving me side effects. These side effects? Breathing issues! Dizziness! ALL THAT JAZZ. 

So what are we supposed to do? Keep drinking water. Less pop. Be safe. 

(yay?)

 I just blocked 3 blogs on Tumblr due to MD's mental health...And by that I mean, they were bad for him, so I blocked them. I would like to do the same for Jia's instagram account, but..MD will not allow me to. AT ALL. 

I worry about MD a lot. He seems to be going down a dark path. Obsessing over Jia all the time, wishing for BC to be here to hurt him....It's not good. And plus all the breathing issues...I love MD, despite the fact that I'm more with Omega now and he's with Gabe...We're still TOGETHER, ya know? I still LOVE HIM and I always will. I want what's best for him...

 Hello everyone. We went to the ER on Tuesday? Yeah! Tuesday! but don't you worry! We just were severely dehydrated! :P That's what we get for not drinking enough water...

So, no pops, all water, some milk or Gatorade occasionally. Mostly water. It sucks, but ya know, it's fine. As long as we live. Our blood pressure was literally at 180/120. (aka NOT GOOD) 

Uh let's see...what else...MD is trying to further himself away from Jia/BC. That's tough for him tho. Jia was literally JUST in Ohio (our home state) yesterday and MD wasn't able to see him. SO THAT'S A PISS. But I think it's good? I don't think MD needs to be around that toxic guy? 

Ah well, anyway! Things are...looking up? rn? Sorta? I mean, we feel like shit sorta, and things really are going downhill for us all, but we're maintaining. And that's the important part!

 MD: We went to the house today. It's a total wreck. Dad went inside and found all 11 of their cats dead inside. We all had a good cry over that. We found my grandparents' glasses in there, and some other stuff like marriage license and some photographs that weren't destroyed. The place is destroyed. They'd be dead if it weren't for the two men who helped them out of the house...God it's so scary to think about. 

So far so good, despite peeing inside 2x today. It's better than the 4 he did yesterday. But there's still time. He goes outside to do his business in about 15 minutes so i figured I'd whip up a post real fast about how he's doing. 

His attitude seems better. As in, he doesn't seem so sad/depressed as he was yesterday. He came up to me (after trying to find me for a minute), tail wagging and licked my hand. He stood there and let me pet him for a bit. Now he's just sleeping. He sleeps a lot, but that's probably just because he's old and everything. 

In other news, my knockoff fidget cube should be shipping out today or tomorrow. I'm really excited about that! My dad seems to think it's stupid but honestly? Good for him idgaf. 

So...yeah, that's about it for now. I'll check in later. 

 Je: Hey all. We still have internet for now. But we don't know for how long. Just know that we love you and everything. Hopefully if it goes away it won't be for long, or if it is...we'll hopefully get some way to talk to yall. 

 Have I talked about this before? Probably. Jia, who has been mentioned in spider-system.dreamwidth.org/1496.html that post, is who I'm mainly speaking of. 

He just like. he hates me. he hates me. he doesn't love me. he doesn't love me so therefor he hates me. He barely knows me which is why he hates me. He doesn't care about me. I talked to him literally like a handful of times and he hates me. HE HATES ME HE WANTS ME DEAD. I've thought of killing myself for him before. I've hurt myself over him a lot. I did today, actually. 

HE FUCKING...HE WANTS ME DEAD. HE DOESNT CARE. I don't understand what I did to have him hate me. He posted on Instagram today and I cut my leg to make it up to him that I'm not good enough for him. It's a pact i made myself partake in, that because i'm not good enough for him, every time he posts on Instagram I have to cut at least 5 times and if it's his face he posts, double it. It was just a pic of a phone case he bought. But he called himself a huge dork and I'm just like "You're more like a fucking IDIOT FOR NOT BEING WITH ME." Tho I guess I get that I'm a bit on the bad side of humanity and I understand why he hates me. 

I feel like i'm going insane over him all over again. I lost friends because of this. Good friends. I hate myself. I don't want to have to deal with this stuff anymore? 

(Also, just a side note, I'm not actively suicidal...I'm safe. When I say "cuts" I mean I barely bleed but it's enough to hurt me.)

Anyway, just fuckin end me right? 

Je: MD said "yes" to a certain extent! To what question did he say yes to? WHY THE BIG Q OF COURSE. 

That's right, we're gettin murried! As in, in system marriage! YAY. And actually his initial response was "*SPIT TAKE* WHAT?!" but he said yes! I'm a fiancee for now! :D YAYYYYY 

Once we have a ring, which MD says he knows where one is, we'll call it a deal :P 

MD: Dad was able to fix the car. It's driveable, at least for now. So that's a plus. I really don't have anything to update on that part. 

In fact, that's really the only update. He's still not talking to most of the fam...which honestly sucks.

But uh...you guys heard of Outlast 2? That new game? yeah I was watching a play thru and saw the one character, Val, and in my mind, was just like "THEY SEEM NEAT." WELL GOOD FOR U KIDDO CUZ NOW YA GOT VAL IN UR SYSTEM. They're not as "Evil" here, as they are in the game, which is good. VERY GOOD. But yeah. I'm a screw up :P