Spider System

 No news yet. My appointment is in about 2 hours now. I've gotten myself as clean as i can without passing out, and i hope I smell good. :P I put on a small dose of perfume, but not too much...

I'm scared. Of a lot. First, I'm scared he'll tell me it's just my weight without doing any sorta testing. Just "You're out of shape. Lose weight, fatty." Type thing. It's happened before and then i ended up with tendinitis and shit soooo. The second thing I'm scared of is that I'll actually have something wrong with me. Like Mom. 

I'm scared of having to potentially use an oxygen machine. And having to use a wheelchair when I go out. And breathing treatments. All that stuff...I'm scared. 

Hopefully this isn't anything too bad. But if it is, I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude. I know that can make or break things. Not to say I'm dying or anything, but when my grandpa found out he only had a year to live from his cancer, he died within 3 weeks...it's like, he had lived with it for a long time before that, but I guess he was just tired of fighting? 

I hope i never have to deal with that kind of stuff, but as I sit here trying to breathe, I wonder how bad my life is gonna get from here...

MD: my grandparents' house burned down last night. They survived the fire, but they lost everything. They lost all belongings, as well as their cats. The place is gone. I was just there like, not that long ago? It's so odd to think about this. All the Christmas Eves that were spent there...birthdays...anniversaries. All the memories are...gone...just...gone. 

I know I'm shaken up, but i can't even begin to imagine what they're feeling rn. I've talked to my grandma just a few minutes today but her voice is shaky and it sounds as though it's a struggle for her to speak without crying. I can only imagine that she's trying her hardest not to bawl constantly. 

...anyway...yeah. that's the update.

 MD: Rascal is our pupper. And I use the term "pupper" lightly because he's 14 years old. He always had eye issues, but then our old cat scratched one of them. and he had cataracts in the other, which caused him to be nearly completely blind by the age of 8-9. Now he IS completely blind, and has been for a few years now. Apart from that he's got bad hips, and we're pretty sure he's going deaf. 

And now there's more. A few months ago, he started peeing inside. And we thought, "Well, he's an old dog, ya know. It's gonna happen." Then we realized that he's been drinking a lot more. Like, full bowls full of water thru-out the day. Whereas before it was half a bowl ya know? And he's peeing so frequently now. Dad keeps getting mad at him as tho he's doing it on purpose. He kicked him today after he peed once and slammed the poor thing into the oven. I felt so awful. I've been checking on him all day since. 

He still eats. Not nearly as much as he drinks, but I suppose that's a good thing. But,tho, I have noticed that he only goes to his food bowl maybe once a day now instead of multiple times a day, so maybe it's not good...

But, I know something is wrong with him. I just don't know what, and we can't afford to take him to the vet any time soon because, as yall know, we're broke. So it's like, we're basically just sitting here slowly watching him die. I hate it. We've had Rascal since he was just a baby. I don't want to lose him. 

 Have I talked about this before? Probably. Jia, who has been mentioned in spider-system.dreamwidth.org/1496.html that post, is who I'm mainly speaking of. 

He just like. he hates me. he hates me. he doesn't love me. he doesn't love me so therefor he hates me. He barely knows me which is why he hates me. He doesn't care about me. I talked to him literally like a handful of times and he hates me. HE HATES ME HE WANTS ME DEAD. I've thought of killing myself for him before. I've hurt myself over him a lot. I did today, actually. 

HE FUCKING...HE WANTS ME DEAD. HE DOESNT CARE. I don't understand what I did to have him hate me. He posted on Instagram today and I cut my leg to make it up to him that I'm not good enough for him. It's a pact i made myself partake in, that because i'm not good enough for him, every time he posts on Instagram I have to cut at least 5 times and if it's his face he posts, double it. It was just a pic of a phone case he bought. But he called himself a huge dork and I'm just like "You're more like a fucking IDIOT FOR NOT BEING WITH ME." Tho I guess I get that I'm a bit on the bad side of humanity and I understand why he hates me. 

I feel like i'm going insane over him all over again. I lost friends because of this. Good friends. I hate myself. I don't want to have to deal with this stuff anymore? 

(Also, just a side note, I'm not actively suicidal...I'm safe. When I say "cuts" I mean I barely bleed but it's enough to hurt me.)

Anyway, just fuckin end me right? 

MD: Dad was able to fix the car. It's driveable, at least for now. So that's a plus. I really don't have anything to update on that part. 

In fact, that's really the only update. He's still not talking to most of the fam...which honestly sucks.

But uh...you guys heard of Outlast 2? That new game? yeah I was watching a play thru and saw the one character, Val, and in my mind, was just like "THEY SEEM NEAT." WELL GOOD FOR U KIDDO CUZ NOW YA GOT VAL IN UR SYSTEM. They're not as "Evil" here, as they are in the game, which is good. VERY GOOD. But yeah. I'm a screw up :P 

MD: it's my mom's birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day, right? Cake, presents? ICE CREAM? 

Yeah well I mean she'd get all that stuff if she were alive. But she's not. 

This is the second year we're celebrating her birthday without her. She died Jan 2, 2016. (I mean, so she's only been dead a little over a year, but you know what i mean...) 

It's just really tough? Not having her around. Like I'd rather not go into deets of her death rn, but I mean, she was my best friend really. I miss her so much. 

 MD: Heyo. If you guys don't follow me on DeviantART, please check out the linky-doo here...spider-system.deviantart.com !!! 

And onto the drawings! 

(TW FOR SPIDER DRAWING) 

( Drawings ahead )

 MD: It reminds me of BC so much. So I thought I'd share the lyrics on here with you guys.

Maybe I bury my freedom, in you
And maybe I rest in your Kingdom, it's hard to make out if it's true
Please let go of me
Please I've paid
Please find someone else but me
Here comes the order, here comes the call
And I have to follow, and heed to it all
I trust that you love me, or why would you care
But here comes the order, the shackles of scare

What have I done to begin with, To always be bargain with fear?
I don't even know what your name is, it's odd cause you've always been here
Please let go of me
Please I've paid
Please find someone else but me
Here comes the order, here comes the call
And I have to follow, and heed to it all
I trust that you love me, or why would you care
But here comes the order, the shackles of scare

We call ourselves Legion, for many we be
And you will obey us, and never be free
So join us forever, or live in despair
It seems that I'm changing, becoming your heir 
So hand me your kingdom, I'll take it from here
And dare no one break from, my circle of fear...

So yeah, that's that song. It's really good. If you guys wanna look it up it's called The Demon King. 

It just reminds me so much of BC...and that last part with the demon talking, it sounds like him. I just...yeah. 

MD: OK so a conversation that Je sparked in the comments of a post on here got me thinking..."What is the connection we have to spiders? Why do I/we love them so much? WHAT GIVES MAN?!" Well, lemme start at the beginning. Back near the beginning, There were 8 of us! And tho some of us came and went, it was usually around 8 of us. Spiders, ironically enough, have 8 legs. And we all thought of ourselves as sorta a leg that was moving this thing, the system, to our goals.

At first we didn't have a system name. We were literally just "oh, that's the guys." And that was that. After Mom passed away, and all the trauma that came with that, there was a spike in how many guys were here. Je for one showed up, as well as many of the others, really, including some that didn't stick around. (We had a lot of straying mates for a long time.) And well, pretty soon we were at 12, then 15, then 18. It fluctuated for a while before settling around 21-22 now. But back to the name thing, an old friend of ours once suggested "The Spider With Many Legy."

So that's what we were for the longest time. Then we had a falling out with that friend, and we had a lot of bad memories attached to the name "Spider With Many Legy," So we stopped using it. And we went directly onto the Spider System. It was a nice change, and we haven't looked back!

So that's the answer to our name thing. But WHY ON EARTH WOULD I LOVE SPIDERS SO MUCH, you may be asking yourself. Well that's a fine ass question and I'm about to answer it! I have ALWAYS loved science. I wanted to be an astronomer for years. And then, I found out that I suck at math. And the stars don't want to deal with people who can't calculate shit. I fell out of my love for science around 10th grade especially, when I had THE WORST biology teacher. She just...didn't care? She gave us shit assignments and she just...had no want or passion for what she taught. It showed thru. Luckily, I took chemistry the following year, and my teacher was AMAZING. She had worked in nuclear plants working to find safe chemical bonds or some shit like that? It was just REALLY cool. She sparked my love for science again.

I thought for a while I wanted to go into chemistry. But I decided not to. See, I'm one of those guys who can't make up his fecking mind on what he wants to do with his life. I went to college (for a year) for English. That was because my dad really wanted me to go for it. My mom did too. I wanted to really go for their biology courses, but...that just wasn't what anyone wanted. And it sucked.

Mom died just a few days before I had to go back to classes for Spring Semester. It really took a toll on me. I fell into such a depression that English just wasn't cutting it for me. I drew a lot of the time, so art was still a big part of my life, but I found that studying arachnology on my own was the best pastime. I loved it. I loved learning about everything. Everyone around me told me it was gross and to stop reading about them. That I wouldn't be able to handle it. But I don't know.

It's either between Drag artist or arachnologist at this point for what I want to do...SO THAT'S THE STORY. Lot longer than I thought...Sorry about that!