Have I talked about this before? Probably. Jia, who has been mentioned in spider-system.dreamwidth.org/1496.html
that post, is who I'm mainly speaking of.
He just like. he hates me. he hates me. he doesn't love me. he doesn't love me so therefor he hates me. He barely knows me which is why he hates me. He doesn't care about me. I talked to him literally like a handful of times and he hates me. HE HATES ME HE WANTS ME DEAD. I've thought of killing myself for him before. I've hurt myself over him a lot. I did today, actually.
HE FUCKING...HE WANTS ME DEAD. HE DOESNT CARE. I don't understand what I did to have him hate me. He posted on Instagram today and I cut my leg to make it up to him that I'm not good enough for him. It's a pact i made myself partake in, that because i'm not good enough for him, every time he posts on Instagram I have to cut at least 5 times and if it's his face he posts, double it. It was just a pic of a phone case he bought. But he called himself a huge dork and I'm just like "You're more like a fucking IDIOT FOR NOT BEING WITH ME." Tho I guess I get that I'm a bit on the bad side of humanity and I understand why he hates me.
I feel like i'm going insane over him all over again. I lost friends because of this. Good friends. I hate myself. I don't want to have to deal with this stuff anymore?
(Also, just a side note, I'm not actively suicidal...I'm safe. When I say "cuts" I mean I barely bleed but it's enough to hurt me.)
Anyway, just fuckin end me right?