spider_system: MD icon (MD)
 Good news (???): It's nothing life threatening/chronic

Bad news: I'm still dehydrated. And it was SO BAD before I got it checked it out that my meds were actually backtracking as though they were new meds and giving me side effects. These side effects? Breathing issues! Dizziness! ALL THAT JAZZ. 

So what are we supposed to do? Keep drinking water. Less pop. Be safe. 

(yay?)
spider_system: MD icon (MD)
 No news yet. My appointment is in about 2 hours now. I've gotten myself as clean as i can without passing out, and i hope I smell good. :P I put on a small dose of perfume, but not too much...

I'm scared. Of a lot. First, I'm scared he'll tell me it's just my weight without doing any sorta testing. Just "You're out of shape. Lose weight, fatty." Type thing. It's happened before and then i ended up with tendinitis and shit soooo. The second thing I'm scared of is that I'll actually have something wrong with me. Like Mom. 

I'm scared of having to potentially use an oxygen machine. And having to use a wheelchair when I go out. And breathing treatments. All that stuff...I'm scared. 

Hopefully this isn't anything too bad. But if it is, I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude. I know that can make or break things. Not to say I'm dying or anything, but when my grandpa found out he only had a year to live from his cancer, he died within 3 weeks...it's like, he had lived with it for a long time before that, but I guess he was just tired of fighting? 

I hope i never have to deal with that kind of stuff, but as I sit here trying to breathe, I wonder how bad my life is gonna get from here...
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 MD: We went to the house today. It's a total wreck. Dad went inside and found all 11 of their cats dead inside. We all had a good cry over that. We found my grandparents' glasses in there, and some other stuff like marriage license and some photographs that weren't destroyed. The place is destroyed. They'd be dead if it weren't for the two men who helped them out of the house...God it's so scary to think about. 



Loss

May. 11th, 2017 06:11 pm
spider_system: MD icon (MD)
MD: my grandparents' house burned down last night. They survived the fire, but they lost everything. They lost all belongings, as well as their cats. The place is gone. I was just there like, not that long ago? It's so odd to think about this. All the Christmas Eves that were spent there...birthdays...anniversaries. All the memories are...gone...just...gone. 

I know I'm shaken up, but i can't even begin to imagine what they're feeling rn. I've talked to my grandma just a few minutes today but her voice is shaky and it sounds as though it's a struggle for her to speak without crying. I can only imagine that she's trying her hardest not to bawl constantly. 

...anyway...yeah. that's the update.
spider_system: MD icon (MD)
So far so good, despite peeing inside 2x today. It's better than the 4 he did yesterday. But there's still time. He goes outside to do his business in about 15 minutes so i figured I'd whip up a post real fast about how he's doing. 

His attitude seems better. As in, he doesn't seem so sad/depressed as he was yesterday. He came up to me (after trying to find me for a minute), tail wagging and licked my hand. He stood there and let me pet him for a bit. Now he's just sleeping. He sleeps a lot, but that's probably just because he's old and everything. 

In other news, my knockoff fidget cube should be shipping out today or tomorrow. I'm really excited about that! My dad seems to think it's stupid but honestly? Good for him idgaf. 

So...yeah, that's about it for now. I'll check in later. 

spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
 MD: Rascal is our pupper. And I use the term "pupper" lightly because he's 14 years old. He always had eye issues, but then our old cat scratched one of them. and he had cataracts in the other, which caused him to be nearly completely blind by the age of 8-9. Now he IS completely blind, and has been for a few years now. Apart from that he's got bad hips, and we're pretty sure he's going deaf. 

And now there's more. A few months ago, he started peeing inside. And we thought, "Well, he's an old dog, ya know. It's gonna happen." Then we realized that he's been drinking a lot more. Like, full bowls full of water thru-out the day. Whereas before it was half a bowl ya know? And he's peeing so frequently now. Dad keeps getting mad at him as tho he's doing it on purpose. He kicked him today after he peed once and slammed the poor thing into the oven. I felt so awful. I've been checking on him all day since. 

He still eats. Not nearly as much as he drinks, but I suppose that's a good thing. But,tho, I have noticed that he only goes to his food bowl maybe once a day now instead of multiple times a day, so maybe it's not good...

But, I know something is wrong with him. I just don't know what, and we can't afford to take him to the vet any time soon because, as yall know, we're broke. So it's like, we're basically just sitting here slowly watching him die. I hate it. We've had Rascal since he was just a baby. I don't want to lose him. 
spider_system: MD icon (MD)
 MD: I'm trying not to cry as I type this honestly. But as yall know, we're in a bit of a financial struggle. And we got our cable/internet/phone bill today and it said that we had paid it late, therefor it went up. My dad's going to go talk to them tomorrow, but he might just have it all shut off tomorrow? So, if that is the case, I just want to say my see ya's now. I love yall. I'm gonna miss yall too, so, leave me messages and I'll get to them when I can. 

<3 <3 <3 
spider_system: MD icon (MD)
 Have I talked about this before? Probably. Jia, who has been mentioned in spider-system.dreamwidth.org/1496.html that post, is who I'm mainly speaking of. 

He just like. he hates me. he hates me. he doesn't love me. he doesn't love me so therefor he hates me. He barely knows me which is why he hates me. He doesn't care about me. I talked to him literally like a handful of times and he hates me. HE HATES ME HE WANTS ME DEAD. I've thought of killing myself for him before. I've hurt myself over him a lot. I did today, actually. 

HE FUCKING...HE WANTS ME DEAD. HE DOESNT CARE. I don't understand what I did to have him hate me. He posted on Instagram today and I cut my leg to make it up to him that I'm not good enough for him. It's a pact i made myself partake in, that because i'm not good enough for him, every time he posts on Instagram I have to cut at least 5 times and if it's his face he posts, double it. It was just a pic of a phone case he bought. But he called himself a huge dork and I'm just like "You're more like a fucking IDIOT FOR NOT BEING WITH ME." Tho I guess I get that I'm a bit on the bad side of humanity and I understand why he hates me. 

I feel like i'm going insane over him all over again. I lost friends because of this. Good friends. I hate myself. I don't want to have to deal with this stuff anymore? 

(Also, just a side note, I'm not actively suicidal...I'm safe. When I say "cuts" I mean I barely bleed but it's enough to hurt me.)

Anyway, just fuckin end me right? 
spider_system: Je icon (Je)
And with icons comes the awesomeness of not having to necessarily sign our names with EVERY. LITTLE. THING. That doesn't mean we never will anymore...for example, say I'm typing and someone wants to chime in, they can just do it! 

(MD: It's gonna look a little somethin like this!) 

^^^^ Like that! :D 

Anyway, we've had these pics for a while, and just never set it up? And the one titled "um" is literally for like, if there's drama we're discussing or whatever. :P We just liked their face in that pic. :P 

We have around 30 people in the system, and not everyone could get an icon on here, but that's ok because if they wanna talk they decided they'll use the default icon! :D We really only gave icons to the main fronters, tbh. So there's that! :D 

But OK anyway, we'll still be tagging with who talked and everything, but if two or more people talk we'll simply say, in this case, "Je (main)" and then everyone else who has talked! I hope this all makes sense. And I hope you all like our icons and shit! :D 

Update

May. 1st, 2017 04:07 pm
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MD: Dad was able to fix the car. It's driveable, at least for now. So that's a plus. I really don't have anything to update on that part. 

In fact, that's really the only update. He's still not talking to most of the fam...which honestly sucks.

But uh...you guys heard of Outlast 2? That new game? yeah I was watching a play thru and saw the one character, Val, and in my mind, was just like "THEY SEEM NEAT." WELL GOOD FOR U KIDDO CUZ NOW YA GOT VAL IN UR SYSTEM. They're not as "Evil" here, as they are in the game, which is good. VERY GOOD. But yeah. I'm a screw up :P 
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
MD: My dad almost got in a car wreck on Wednesday? He had been out at my grandma's to mow her yard. And on the way back, he was stopping at a light, and the brakes gave out and he just like sped thru the light (not meaning to, obviously.). He said that if someone would've been turning, it would've been a bad car accident. 

He's been looking at the car for the past few days, and decided to do some work on it today (He used to be a mechanic so.), and he came in and told me that "it's not looking good. There's a lot of rust and we might have to just scrap it." 

Luckily, we have my car (Which is a 1980 Ford Mustang HEEEEEEEYYYYYYY. It's burgundy and HEEEEY I LOVE IT), but that car's pretty old, and it needs work done on it a lot, so hopefully it'll hold up for us. 

So, as the title says, we're down a car. In other news, we're fucking broke. And when I say I broke I mean BROKE. We don't have money to pay bills I don't think. (Dad won't really talk to me about it, so Idk) 

I've been trying to keep my mind off it, but...it's tough. It's scary. We've always been under the poverty line, but ever since Mom died and we lost her disability, it's been a lot tougher. I have $6 on a Walmart gift card and maybe $200 in the bank, but apart from that, I have nothing, and I don't know about dad. 

Apart from that, he's not getting along with certain fam members and they were helping with our money situation and without them, IDK WHAT WE'LL DO? 

Anyway, I'm done being scared for now. Thanks for listening. 
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
MD: it's my mom's birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day, right? Cake, presents? ICE CREAM? 

Yeah well I mean she'd get all that stuff if she were alive. But she's not. 

This is the second year we're celebrating her birthday without her. She died Jan 2, 2016. (I mean, so she's only been dead a little over a year, but you know what i mean...) 

It's just really tough? Not having her around. Like I'd rather not go into deets of her death rn, but I mean, she was my best friend really. I miss her so much. 
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
Je: here's the deal-io. Julian is a prick. We all know this. We are all very aware of this. I want to give MD a chance to talk on this too in this post, so I will, but first i just want to say my shit. And that is...

I hate Julian. I hate BC. BC = Julian. Julian = BC. And I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM WITH A BURNING PASSION. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR ALL OF THE SHIT HE'S DONE TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. 

He's tried to kill MD on multiple occasions, he's beat him up on multiple occasions, there's been physical attacks, verbal attacks, sexual attacks. Like the list goes on. If you can think of it, BC's probs done it. And that's scary. Not just for the simple reason that THAT'S TERRIBLE AND SCARY BECAUSE HE'S LITERALLY NEARLY DEADLY. BUT...

it's scary mostly because MD still loves him. MD has forgiven all these bad things. He does it every time. Julian could literally hit him, turn around and say "Oh I'm sorry do you forgive me?" And MD would say yes, only to have Julian hit him again. IT'S A CYCLE AND I HATE IT. JULIAN IS A TERRIBLE ALTER. 

BC's not currently here. His energy is tho. And that's a bit fucky to begin with. Any part of him being here is bad, because it only means he's here. And if he's here, MD's getting hurt. And if MD's getting hurt, WE HATE IT. 

Look, I don't know if you guys know this or not, but I love MD with all my heart. He's the love of my life, and I love him so much. I hate to see any of this shit happen to him. It's been torture for him, but also for all of us. I hate it. 

OK I'm going to give him a chance to say something. 

MD: I love Je. I love BC. I love Je. I love BC. I love Je...I love BC...I realize that Je is much better for me, that he'd never intentionally hurt me like Julian has. I know they come from the same source...They're both beautiful. But that's all they share. Julian is a horrible person. Je is a perfect sweetheart. 

Why do i still love BC then? I know I'm with Je. I want to be with Je. I love Je so much. I don't want to ruin things with him. (Je's note: You won't. you can't.) I just feel that Julian could love me too...
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
 MD: Heyo. If you guys don't follow me on DeviantART, please check out the linky-doo here...spider-system.deviantart.com !!! 

And onto the drawings! 

(TW FOR SPIDER DRAWING) 

Drawings ahead )
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
(TW TALK ABOUT EATING DISORDERS...obviously)

MD: Whelp. 

I should've seen it coming a long time ago. To be quite fair, I did, but I pushed it aside. Basically, I, the host/the body, have EDNOS. And like, I haven't been given the diagnosis just yet, but they said "please get it checked out. you're in potential danger." 

Uhm, so, i suppose I should tell ya all what Ive been going thru. Uh, I throw up, a lot. Intentionally. That's the biggest one. I sometimes try to starve but, it doesn't work. I've just picked up over-exercising. And like, my body image is horrible. I hate how i look. I hate myself so much. 

This all, like many of my other self-destructive ways, were at their peak when BC was in control last year. It's hard to believe that that's all been a year or so now since it started. BUT ANYWAY, we're not talking about BC right now. 

I uh...I've probably gained more weight than lost in this time. And I hate it. I feel so fat. I hate myself. I don't know what to do. 
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
MD: Whelp. Je was gonna originally make this post, but I thought that it'd be more appropriate if I made it. Let me start off by saying, that i know basically nothing about system kids...like at all. So, this is going to be a weird experience, I'm sure. 

Anyway, a few nights ago, I believe I posted on here about that nightmare I had? Like, the one about BC doing things that he shouldn't be. Well, we're sure that because of this nightmare, a child has been made. He looks EXACTLY LIKE BC. Like it's SCARY How similar they look. But, he's here. And we're calling him Sequel because we named him Je Jr. (Because Je was like "THIS IS MY CHILD. MY BABY.") 

So, I'm really nervous about all this. for one, children aren't my favorite, two, I'm worried he'll end up like BC...It's just...I know that with Je's help he won't end up like BC. But I'm still scared about that. 

If any of yall know more about system kids than I do, pls inform me of some stuff. I'd greatly appreciate it. 
spider_system: Our usual default "symbol"? (Default)
 MD: It reminds me of BC so much. So I thought I'd share the lyrics on here with you guys.

Maybe I bury my freedom, in you
And maybe I rest in your Kingdom, it's hard to make out if it's true
Please let go of me
Please I've paid
Please find someone else but me
Here comes the order, here comes the call
And I have to follow, and heed to it all
I trust that you love me, or why would you care
But here comes the order, the shackles of scare

What have I done to begin with, To always be bargain with fear?
I don't even know what your name is, it's odd cause you've always been here
Please let go of me
Please I've paid
Please find someone else but me
Here comes the order, here comes the call
And I have to follow, and heed to it all
I trust that you love me, or why would you care
But here comes the order, the shackles of scare

We call ourselves Legion, for many we be
And you will obey us, and never be free
So join us forever, or live in despair
It seems that I'm changing, becoming your heir 
So hand me your kingdom, I'll take it from here
And dare no one break from, my circle of fear...

So yeah, that's that song. It's really good. If you guys wanna look it up it's called The Demon King. 

It just reminds me so much of BC...and that last part with the demon talking, it sounds like him. I just...yeah. 

Nightmares

NSFW Mar. 30th, 2017 11:52 am
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( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )
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MD: OK so a conversation that Je sparked in the comments of a post on here got me thinking..."What is the connection we have to spiders? Why do I/we love them so much? WHAT GIVES MAN?!" Well, lemme start at the beginning. Back near the beginning, There were 8 of us! And tho some of us came and went, it was usually around 8 of us. Spiders, ironically enough, have 8 legs. And we all thought of ourselves as sorta a leg that was moving this thing, the system, to our goals.

At first we didn't have a system name. We were literally just "oh, that's the guys." And that was that. After Mom passed away, and all the trauma that came with that, there was a spike in how many guys were here. Je for one showed up, as well as many of the others, really, including some that didn't stick around. (We had a lot of straying mates for a long time.) And well, pretty soon we were at 12, then 15, then 18. It fluctuated for a while before settling around 21-22 now. But back to the name thing, an old friend of ours once suggested "The Spider With Many Legy."

So that's what we were for the longest time. Then we had a falling out with that friend, and we had a lot of bad memories attached to the name "Spider With Many Legy," So we stopped using it. And we went directly onto the Spider System. It was a nice change, and we haven't looked back!

So that's the answer to our name thing. But WHY ON EARTH WOULD I LOVE SPIDERS SO MUCH, you may be asking yourself. Well that's a fine ass question and I'm about to answer it! I have ALWAYS loved science. I wanted to be an astronomer for years. And then, I found out that I suck at math. And the stars don't want to deal with people who can't calculate shit. I fell out of my love for science around 10th grade especially, when I had THE WORST biology teacher. She just...didn't care? She gave us shit assignments and she just...had no want or passion for what she taught. It showed thru. Luckily, I took chemistry the following year, and my teacher was AMAZING. She had worked in nuclear plants working to find safe chemical bonds or some shit like that? It was just REALLY cool. She sparked my love for science again.

I thought for a while I wanted to go into chemistry. But I decided not to. See, I'm one of those guys who can't make up his fecking mind on what he wants to do with his life. I went to college (for a year) for English. That was because my dad really wanted me to go for it. My mom did too. I wanted to really go for their biology courses, but...that just wasn't what anyone wanted. And it sucked.

Mom died just a few days before I had to go back to classes for Spring Semester. It really took a toll on me. I fell into such a depression that English just wasn't cutting it for me. I drew a lot of the time, so art was still a big part of my life, but I found that studying arachnology on my own was the best pastime. I loved it. I loved learning about everything. Everyone around me told me it was gross and to stop reading about them. That I wouldn't be able to handle it. But I don't know.

It's either between Drag artist or arachnologist at this point for what I want to do...SO THAT'S THE STORY. Lot longer than I thought...Sorry about that!
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